Before I had kids, I said yes to everything. I went out all the time to the live music events and festivals. I’d always be over at my friends’ houses or out getting food. Busy doing something. Oh I can’t tonight I’m busy, but tomorrow I’m free! And just like that my freedom was willfully given away to others. Not in service, not in curiosity. More so out of boredom. I didn’t want to be still. I wanted to be busy, I enjoyed a full schedule. My mother and I had that in common then, we don’t anymore. Now, I not only embrace, but advocate, for slow motherhood.
My life has become even busier than before somehow, yet it’s actually much slower and simpler at the same time. I once thrived on the full schedule and not many tasks. As a mother now, I have a very free schedule and a poop ton more tasks.
Yes, I have an ongoing to do list of tasks. Simultaneously, I have all the free time in the day. I’m only accountable to myself and my family. As long as mouths are fed, nothing (and no one) is broken, it’s been a successful day to me.
Changing my mindset
For the first two years of my motherhood, it was COVID. So, I couldn’t be too busy outside the house. That was a true grace of God for me because it allowed me to focus on motherhood instead of finding a tribe or being some insta-famous mom.
Back then, it was not a successful day if dishes weren’t done, all the laundry was put away, and the meal wasn’t delicious. Everything had to be cleaned and tidy. Then I also had be the best mom, immediately. Not to mention wife and homemaker. Oh yes, and I had to post quality content on social media, keep up with Facebook and take a good photo of my baby before he grew up too quickly.
It was too much.
Too many things.
Distractions, noise, busyness everywhere.
I felt like none of my time was of a quality I desired. Like it was all being stolen again and I couldn’t even stop it.
There were of course times where I was blissfully happy. I had joy, I was present, I was surrounded by love. It was great.
But I also struggled very deeply with postpartum depression.
It was all in my head really, but I suppose that’s true with any mental health dilemma.
I started to walk daily and listen to Ram Dass lectures. I discovered the Homemaker Chic podcast and dove into the world of minimalism.
My prayers and yoga began again.
My husband also told me ‘you know, you don’t have to wash all the dishes every single night’.
Of course, I argued that because my mother never left dishes in the sink at night. Our home was always spotless.
Her catch phrase is to this day “I don’t idle well”. My sister and I used to call her the energized bunny because she just never stopped.
I certainly admire that quality in my mother very much, and I owe my work ethic to her example undoubtedly.
However, I can’t do that.
Nor do I want to.
I want to enjoy silence, I want to enjoy each moment and savor each giggle and funny face my children make.
Needless to say I had a lot of unlearning to do.
Slow living to heal
I had a lot of anxiety as well as depression when I was younger. It was mostly due to environmental and trauma. I also account a lot of it to the food I put in my body.
I carried a lot of that into my motherhood and my marriage. Since then, I’ve let so much of it go. Just surrendered it to God and no longer held it as an armor or excuse for any of my behaviors.
In doing so, I’ve become so healthy in a physical and mental way, it’s unbelievable.
I honestly can’t remember what my first introduction to slow living was.
Probably via Pinterest or Instagram. I just remember realizing “wow I can say no to doing anything so that I can spend more time with my children”.
After coming to that realization, everything changed.
Social media was deleted, apps were removed, stuff was decluttered, and life was changing.
I was starting to figure out what slow living was and how it enhanced my life dramatically.
Also, I was learning what kind of mother I was, aside from a natural and eco-friendly mother. I also had a very slow motherhood journey unfolding before me.
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Slow motherhood beginnings
What does that even mean? Slow motherhood.
To put it simply, it’s practicing motherhood…slowly.
Taking it moment to moment, day to day, tantrum to tantrum.
For me, it’s putting down the vacuum and reading stories for 20 minutes.
Slow motherhood to my family looks like playing outside and ignoring the to do list for a day. Or walking to the playground and doing the errands only when it is necessary.
I love taking my kids to playgroup and the library, but I certainly prefer to keep our outings to a minimum.
It is incredible what just 20-30 of uninterrupted time with mama can do for your child. I always see things on the internet about ‘filling you child’s cup’ and I’ve seen how the simple act of quality time can fill the cup over the brim. Giving them my full, undivided attention helps them to know that I am there and always will be.
But that’s going more into attachment parenting, which if you’d like to dive into that deeper check out the Raised Good blog. Tracy is a well of information on that and her site has a tremendous impact on my mothering.
Even now, righting this post, I’ve been interrupted over 100 times and I don’t see it as burdensome or disruptive.
Not anymore. I did at one point, and I finally gave up the frustrations. I sacrificed whatever I was doing, happily I might add, to be with my children for the moment instead.
Now it’s a chance to see who they are. See them growing in front of my eyes. Watch them bloom into toddlers, kids, teens, adults.
I’ll do that until they decide they’re ready and go out on their own.
The thought of that doesn’t scare me or sadden me. I mean of course it makes my heart flutter and feel some indescribable way but it’s a positive feeling.
I’ll be sad when they go but, at the moment, I know that I’m not missing any of the good parts and I get to be there to move through the bad parts too.
I’m here.
Always present.
Slowly mothering them into being.
How to practice slow mothering
There is no right way to mother. Every child is different, every parent is different. Mother or father, your path will be just that YOUR PATH.
This is simply how I embrace slow motherhood in my daily life. How it’s helped me to let go of so many negatively impacting aspects of myself and my life.
Control, the past, guilt, perfection, expectations, anxiety, just to name a few.
All those listed above are absolutely still present in my life, don’t think I’ve completely mastered my mind enough for those to completely disappear.
But slow motherhood has allowed me to loosen my grip on them. I don’t cling so tightly to them, so to speak.
Practicing the art of slow motherhood
Finding the rhythms and ignoring the routine. Schedules and plans just don’t always happen with littles I’ve come to learn. If I try to keep up with time and the schedule and the routine I’ve painstakingly written out and it fails, then the yelling and the anger and the discipline and the crying. Well, if you’ve been where I have then you understand.
Flexibility & fluidity. Being adaptable to change and ‘plans’ falling through is crucial. So when I do have a plan for the day, then I’m very gentle about our time table. I start getting everyone ready crazy in advance. Like for church, we’re getting ready an hour and half before so that we aren’t late. (We like a certain pew). However, I allow us to be late to the play group, the grocery store, whatever errand if it happens. I hate to be rushed and I don’t like rushing children. That’s impossible anyway because let’s face it, kids go slow.
Saying no when it matters. The events, errands, play dates. I’m all for these things I really am. However, I’m very aware of over scheduling. Not just for the kids, but for myself. If I go go go all week then I am burned out by the weekend. It’s just too much for me. I get overwhelmed easily and I’m weary of putting myself in a state of being where I feel overwhelmed leaving me vulnerable to anxiety or depression.
Spend time outside. We eat food out there, play, and try go out first thing in the morning. I’ll send my older one out on his own while I cook or clean. Then my littlest will occupy himself or I can just hold him and do what I need around the house.
Don’t fuss over food. I keep our food very simple. And I mean SIMPLE. My son lives on hard boiled eggs and oatmeal. It’s silly, but I don’t fight over food with them. If they don’t want to eat what I make then they can wait until the next meal or drink some raw milk in the meantime. We don’t meal plan much or meal prep. I take out whatever meat we have and figure it out using what we have. My method is to stick to the basics: meat, veg, grain. I have my other meals I rotate around. I know what my family likes, and I’ll try something new when I’m feeling inspired too.
Encourage independent play. Usually, I will get them started then let them take the lead and go on to do some house work. Most of the day, they just play on their own. I read stories with them after our morning chores outside. We always have toys out around the house. We don’t have a lot, but we have ones they always play with and can do on their own. I don’t always clean up the toys either. I’ll do a full sweep usually two or three times a week, but I encourage my oldest to pick up and my younger follows suit.
Put the phone down. I don’t look at my phone for the first hour of the morning. Mainly due to me having to make breakfast right when I wake up. I also have my phone on airplane mode when I go to sleep so that I’m not eager to see notifications when I wake up. There are other reasons, like for the EMFs as well, but that’s not a rabbit tail I need to run down right now. I try my best to not be on my phone constantly and when I am, my kids keep me in check because they’ll without fail try to steal it and take photos.
Only use the screens as a last resort. We just got over have croup, which sucks plain and simple. So when they’re sick or if I am sick is when the tv plays a role. Most of the week we don’t watch any tv. My husband and my older have special tv time together some days too. When we do watch it, it’s because Im behind on work and need to catch up without kids climbing all over me.
Sleep rhythms being consistent. After dinner we’ll get our last plays out and residual energy. We take baths (not every night), brush teeth, read stories, then I sing them a song (almost every night), and I rock my baby to sleep. My toddler is usually asleep by then, if he isn’t then I kiss him goodnight and let him fall asleep on his own.
Slow motherhood as a journey
Like I mentioned earlier, slow motherhood is a practice.
For me, it isn’t anything that I’ll arrive to and be ‘done’ with. There isn’t a finish line really, or an end goal. It’s more about the journey and how I can experience more, with less.
Just as a mindfulness practice, to become more present or aware, that is what mothering slowly is for me.
A practice and a lifestyle to be a better example for my children. To serve my family as best I can. In doing so, I’m serving myself too because the results of this practice have been beneficial to my family and me.
I’m less stressed. There isn’t a ton of yelling or anger in the house. I’m certainly not as overwhelmed.
All is well in the Bailey home.
And I just love it.
So, whatever it is I am doing must be working and I’ll keep doing it until, well, until it ends.
I may be a conscious parent, a natural mother, a gentle mom, crunchy, whatever label doesn’t really matter. If it’s something that is working and the lessons are being implemented, who really cares what it’s called!
Does slow motherhood seem like something you practice? Has your life seemed overwhelming at all like mine? What has helped you the most?
With slow, gentle gratitude,
Tayler
