My oldest son, three in April, told me today that he didn’t love me. I could’ve broken down crying right there in the grocery parking lot. He had a big meltdown, and some seriously big feelings in this one.
We went to put the cart away, as we always do. And he decided not to hold my hand at the last minute and ran to the side of the cart. A car came sweeping by and I pulled him closer to me and said ‘Stu you can’t run in the street like that. We always hold a hand right?’
He always holds my hand in the street, parking lot, etc. He knows what to do and how to be safe. However, today he made an independent choice and I got scared very quickly.
We put the cart back and I said again, ‘we don’t run in the street right? You need to hold my hand or the cart. I just love and I won’t let you get hurt.’
Then, the break down came. He let it all out at the end of the trip, thankfully, but we still were that mother and child for five minutes outside of our car. Crying and reasoning. He was totally calm up until that moment. I couldn’t make out most of what he was saying, I just knew I was the cause of his upset. But at the end of it he did say ‘I no love you’.
In the midst of his tears, I felt like a failure standing in the worst kind of storm any mom can find herself in. I wanted to cry too. All of me wanted to just meltdown too and let it out like he did. I knew I needed to stay level and be the pacific mother he needs. All I could only manage was, ‘well I love you so much and I won’t let you get hurt ever’. In my head I said ‘oh God, don’t say that to me, you’re too little to say things like that.’
But he’s not though. He’s old enough to say what he wants and how he feels and in that moment he felt like I was the bad guy because I got strict with him when he wasn’t being safe. Alas, the meltdown occurred.
He relaxed after letting out his upset, and helped me bring the groceries inside. Afterward, we cuddled up to a movie and sat for a bit while I rocked his baby brother to sleep.
At the end of the day, I know that what he says and does is absolutely nothing personal. He’s learning about his emotions, how to know them, feel them, move through them. And I am the one who shows him how to do that. Leading by example.
That’s just something to stay mindful of. Furthermore, I’m glad that I did in that moment, and kept composure. Because those are the moments I need to be the most aware of. When I want to just react but I can’t. I know better. In the words of Maya Angelou, “when you know better, you do better”.
Life with littles is all things calm and chaos. Such is life in itself isn’t it!
In gratitude friends!
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